Uncivil Union

Chris and Dana were walking down Massachusetts Avenue when a pair of strangers passed them on the sidewalk. The two short-haired students were holding hands when the taller one leaned over and kissed the shorter one.

Aghast, Chris turned to Dana, “How disgusting!”

“I know,” responded Dana, “I wish they'd do that behind closed doors. Can you believe those people are allowed to marry?”

“It's ridiculous,” said Chris. “Our society is heading down a slippery slope.”

“Yeah, a slippery slope to hell!” Dana added.

The next day, Chris and Dana joined the Massachusetts Coalition for Marriage. They attended meetings and rallies and even carried placards in the trunk of their car. It seemed everywhere they went, there were more and more of these perverted citizens demanding so-called equality. They just were not equals. And they had the audacity to expect equal rights under the law. Chris and Dana started dating in high school, kept up a long-distance relationship while at MIT and Indiana, and after moving three times from New York to San Francisco to Boston, had finally settled into the simple East Coast life in a modest walk-up in the Back Bay. One day, they would marry.

But right now their lives were under assault.

Every day the streets were flooded with straights, the newspapers filled with straight causes. They wanted the right to marry, the right to adopt, everything the same as gays and lesbians. But they didn't deserve it. They had no right, Chris knew. It disgusted him how they had sex, since it was different than how he did. He'd never tried it that way, and never would. Chris knew that men and women were not supposed to have sex, it was forbidden in the bible. Surely there was no higher authority than the bible!

Chris and Dana used to walk along the banks of the Charles River at dusk, but now they steered clear of their favorite spots because it grossed them out to see a man and a woman holding hands. They also knew the straight disease HIV was going around and they didn't want to catch it. Dana has said it wasn't an airborne virus, but just being around regs weirded Chris out. Sure, he had never called anyone a reg, but he had come to despise them just the same. It even made him sick to see the filth on television – he'd seen a few minutes of that Desperate Housewives show once and he'd seen enough.

It further exasperated Chris that there were straights on the city council, straights in his offices and even a straight on the Boston Red Sox! And now these repulsive sinners wanted the right to marry each other. Not over my dead body, thought Chris, marriage is for homosexuals only.

So Chris grabbed his coat and headed toward the White Hen Pantry a few blocks away. If the MCM received enough signatures, it could help make sure that straights could never marry. The sanctity of marriage would be preserved for gays and lesbians. This was important to Chris, so he gave of his time and money to the cause. Whatever he could do was worthwhile, even if it meant agitating the locals.

“Sinners!” Chris shouted as a male and a female walked arm-in-arm down Boylston St.

A few more heterosexual couples marched by. There must be a ballgame tonight, Chris thought. The street was filling up with pedestrians and it was getting loud. He got out his Salvation Army Bell and filled his lungs deep.

“Ring the bell! Straights to hell! Ring the bell! Straights to hell!”

A handful of onlookers joined Chris, shaking their fists and stomping their feet. Soon, the mob had swelled to 20 or 30. The heterosexual couples had to bump their way through the forest of protesters or risk stepping out into the bustling traffic.

During his short walk home, Chris reflected on his evening. He was happy to have gained the signatures and support of many other citizens, and felt even better that the President was introducing an amendment to the U.S. Constitution that would eliminate heterosexual marriage once and forever. Chris was glad he voted for a leader with such high moral standards and values; one who wouldn't allow the sanctity of marriage to be tarnished by these perverts.

Chris knew that marriage was the union of a man and a man, or the union of a woman and a woman. That's how Chris' god – the only god – intended it. If a man and a woman wanted to marry, they could move to Amsterdam, and the more Chris thought about it, the more he liked that idea. Chris wasn't sure what it was like in Amsterdam, but he knew he'd never go there.

He also knew that straight marriage was wrong. No doubt about it. There was nothing more important than stopping the straight marriage movement – not the war in Iraq, not the war on terrorism, not the war on high gas prices. Global warming, natural disasters and the continued destruction of the environment – less important. Healthcare, medicare and social security – low priority. AIDS, malaria and famine in Africa – minor bugbites. The conflicts in Darfur, Kashmir and Korea – not nearly as important as putting an end to straight marriage.

Chris sure was proud to be an American!